It’s typical to ask a couple in a long-term committed relationship if or when they’re getting married.
My husband put that very question to his aunt about her daughter. His aunt said she wasn’t sure because marriage today seems to be out of fashion. Her response surprised us. Is the younger generation onto something?
Our column this month — around Valentine’s Day and countless proposals and romantic expectations — has focused on the financial realities of getting married. We considered how couples combine finances, how they talk about money and why prenups are worth discussing.
Today we circle back on perhaps the most important question. To marry or not to marry?
Should we get married?
Generally, do not listen to people who want to comment on the particulars of your relationship or bet on its success.
You probably know several couples who were told their marriage would not last six months and went on to stay together for the rest of their lives. They ignored the naysayers and built lives together anyway. I have known couples in arranged marriages who have had a lifetime of happiness together, without even meeting before the wedding. It is between the two of you.
What we can and should discuss about marriage are the practical pros and cons of marriage as it exists today, and whether it still makes sense for you and your partner.
Today, about half of U.S. adults are married, a significant decline from the 1980s, when roughly two-thirds were married.
People are also marrying later in life. My husband’s aunt was partially correct: among adults under 30, a majority are not married. For adults aged 30-44, marriage rates have risen compared with a decade ago, but they still lag behind earlier generations at the same age.
Fear of divorce plays a role in why many couples hesitate to marry, but the numbers have improved. Today, roughly four in 10 first marriages end in divorce, but the odds are lower for couples who marry later.
Divorce rates also increase with subsequent marriages: Approximately 60% of second marriages and around 70%-plus of third marriages end in divorce. So the old adage here is not always true: practice does not necesarily help your odds of success.
Why are couples holding off?
Some of the traditional benefits of marriage carry far less weight today than they once did.
Marriage is no longer required for couples to live together, be intimate or raise children, and it no longer serves as the same marker of respectability.
Overall, sexual relationships are no longer expected to take place only within marriage. Women can delay marriage and childbearing thanks to medical advancements. In general, children are no longer legally or socially disadvantaged if their parents are unmarried, and most women are also no longer economically dependent on marriage for security.
Together, these changes have shifted marriage from a social requirement to a personal choice, even though its legal and financial consequences remain very real.
Are there still benefits to marrying?
We can’t examine that without considering those who fought for the right to marry and why it was so important to them.
My boss in college was with his partner for more than 50 years. But because they were gay and could not marry, when his partner was sick and died, he had fewer rights than distant relatives with whom his partner had no relationship. It was heartbreaking to watch.
The state has always regulated who can marry. For enslaved people, families could be separated at any time, with no legal standing to object. After emancipation, formal marriage became one of the first ways formerly enslaved couples secured legitimacy for their families and legal recognition of parentage.
Interracial couples did not gain the right to marry nationwide until a Supreme Court ruling in 1967. For those couples, marriage meant the ability to live openly as a family, own property together and have their relationships recognized across state lines. Being able to marry whom you wanted represented personal freedom.
One of the many reasons gay couples fought for marriage rights was they were not allowed the automatic protections marriage provides, including inheritance rights, medical decision-making authority, survivor benefits and tax treatment. Marriage mattered because without it, those protections were uncertain or unavailable, even with extensive legal planning.
Marriage does convey several rights.
•It gives spouses automatic recognition as family, which matters during emergencies, without having to produce paperwork or explain the relationship.
•Provides explicit protections against disinheritance, and access to Social Security, pension and survivor benefits that are unavailable to unmarried partners.
•Allows assets to pass between spouses without estate or gift tax, often without the need for advanced planning, and creates clarity around property ownership.
•Can affect eligibility for family medical leave and caregiving decisions, and it provides a predictable legal framework in the event of illness, disability or death.
Marriage also benefits children in practical ways.
•When parents are married, parentage is generally presumed, which simplifies birth certificates, custody, medical consent, school records and travel.
•If something happens to one parent, the surviving spouse’s legal relationship to the child is clear, reducing the risk of disputes or court involvement at an already difficult time.
•Marriage also can streamline health insurance coverage, survivor benefits, and Social Security eligibility for children.
As with many aspects of marriage, these protections are often invisible when everything is going well but become critically important only when something goes wrong.
So, what about the cons?
There are legitimate reasons couples might choose not to marry.
•They want to avoid the legal and financial complexity of marriage, particularly if one partner has prior marriages, children, debt or ongoing support obligations.
•You worry about the cost and emotional toll of divorce and prefer not to enter into a legal arrangement that is difficult and expensive to unwind.
•For some couples, marriage can negatively affect taxes, student loan repayment, health insurance subsidies, disability benefits or retirement planning. Some do not want to share the income they earn.
•Many feel that their relationship already works as it is and do not see additional value in formalizing it, or they are wary of institutions in general and feel marriage carries expectations or roles they do not want.
•Later-in-life couples may choose companionship without legal entanglement, especially when they want to protect assets for children from prior relationships.
These reasons not to marry do not necessarily reflect fewer feelings of love or commitment, but a more deliberate approach to structuring a shared life.
I remember meeting with a client when I was in my late 20s, and she said to me, “I know what’s wrong with you. You still have not had a first marriage.”
She was on her third and felt the first divorce was a rite of passage.
I waited until I was older to marry, and I am glad I did. It is progress that people are taking the decision to marry more seriously and are waiting until they are ready to take the plunge. Only you and your partner know if now is the time.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Michelle C. Herting is a CPA, accredited in business valuations, and an accredited estate planner specializing in succession planning and estate, gift and trust taxes.
